Friday, October 16, 2015

How to Make a Monster, Baby

This is probably going down as one of the worst years in my life. Though a lot of horrible terrible things have happened, I've never felt more talented and creative. I left my job at the Parade company in August, with the hopes of getting a more adult-career job that my friend was trying to hook me up with. I decided it was time to jump ship from my "college-student-pay job" and get something that will pay my student loans and take care of my daughter better. I spent over a month interviewing, it was going really well, and I felt entirely sure I already had the job. Then my friend who set me up with the job, took it, because she didn't like her new job.

So after losing a job I thought I had, a friend of eight years, I tried to beg for my old job back. I cried, I begged, I apologized, I said I was afraid I was going to lose my house, I have a small daughter, it was desperate and pathetic and entirely degrading but sincere. I think he enjoyed turning me away. So I'm in a terrible place emotionally and financially. I can't get an interview for the life of me, my applications are in lots of hands, but it doesn't go any further. I get nothing but occasional automated emails of rejection and lots of family members inquiring and reopening the wound. I'm so bitter, broken, and embarrassed.

I have been trying to keep my mind and hands busy with artwork though, while trying to make a little money too. I feel like I'm bursting with ideas and projects and creativity. I'm also more confident in my abilities than ever before. I know I can sculpt anything in the world that someone tells me to. I'm incredibly skilled and talented, and I just wish someone would give me the opportunity to prove myself and give me a chance. So in the meantime, I'm doing a ton of art, and commission work for people and their Halloween costumes.

Hopefully, I'll get a break soon, and I'll use all this "life-experience" bull to help make me the monster I need to be, to get what I need and want.

P.S. My new art facebook fan page is called Odd Sculpture by Ginger √Čtrange. (French word for Strange, and Ginger because I'm a redhead). Here's a peek at what I've been making : )

Monday, May 18, 2015

Into the woods

I feel like I don't know anything so I went to the woods. I grew up with two nature enthusiast parents. My mom skinned roadkill, taught me all about Michigan wildlife-plants and animals, my dad showed me constellations, hiking, and would take me fishing. Our entire summers were spent outside, swimming in one of the great lakes, or camping. It was fun and enriching but still, I remember wanting to be a normal girl who went to malls, was asked on dates, and went to parties. I have never been good at friendships. I am incredibly naive and fragile. I think I can play at normal sometimes, until people get to know me and everyone tells me I'm so weird. I like who I am, but I wish other people understood me too. I went to the woods to be surrounded by the only things I really know.

I was engulfed in the sweet smell of wild honeysuckle and then a few minutes later it was gone. I saw giant skunk cabbage in the balmy swampy area and mayapples with small white flowers hiding under their umbrella-like leaves. Dainty white trillium flowers speckled through out the forest floor and matted down brush make a narrow trail where deer must have meandered through. I saw sensitive fern with some coy poison ivy hiding nearby. I quizzed myself on what I could remember. Facts and memories flood back with the sights, sounds, and smells of the lake trail.

I laughed out loud at being startled by the ruckus caused by one tiny chipmunk hopping down a hill of leaves. It's funny how much noise a tiny animal can make, yet a deer can quietly sneak up without ever being noticed. I heard a redwinged blackbird, I saw a garter snake sunning itself, I saw little schools of bluegill darting around by the dock. I saw staghorn sumac. I saw pointed stumps and logs a beaver had downed. I know you can eat the pollen stems of the cattails, I know that plants in the mint family have square stems, I know the sound of a ruffed grouse drumming on a hollow fallen log. I know that sometimes a forest needs fire. I know that everything even the smallest things like ants are important. I know that butterflies can drink blood. I know that dragonflies spend most of their lives as nymphs in the water. I know that poison ivy's oil can linger on your clothes, I know that no one questions if Virginia creeper just needs support or is suffocating the tree it climbs. I know so much about those woods. When I drove back to the city, I remembered I knew nothing here. No one knows me and no one cares what I know. I love my city and the people, I like to exist here, but I don't know how to fit. When I need to remember myself I will always go back to the woods.

garter snake


staghorn sumac

sensitive fern and skunk cabbage

weird bowl like fungi I've never seen before

an aging pink trillium

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Lazy Hazy Springy Daze

The last two weeks has been awesome. I was temporarily laid off, which was the best thing that could have happened to me at the time. I felt I was falling apart and over-stressed, so the time off was crucial to my mental health. I have been really productive around the house decorating, putting up shelves and putting up artwork. I feel inspired when I look around now. I really needed to feel motivation and inspiration and get out of my gloomy slump. I've been cooking and baking, and going to the Eastern Market almost every weekend.

Besides fixing up the house, I've been working on myself too. I joined a gym and have been going 5-6 days a week (and on my off days working out at home). I feel so amazing to have a little bit of quiet time to collect my thoughts, and work out my aggression and anxiety at the gym. I've never been able to run or jog well before, but since I started going to the gym I have started running 4.5 miles every day and have improved my time by 4 minutes from day one until now. I actually really love running, and I keep adding time on to my runs now, because I don't seem to tire. I'm really really really super happy. I am excited for summer and I can deal with anything now.

On a side note, one of my good friends from High School, Holly is going to visit me tomorrow from Chicago. I can't wait to see her cute self. I'm also going to an 80's new wave dance night with my super cutie friend Sara, brunching, Eastern Market-ing, going to my old college professor's end of year party, seeing another good friend who is moving across the country, and having an awesome mother's day with my mom and me putting in a garden (unless it rains). What a happy weekend with so many beautiful, lovely people. Seriously, I'm so happy. Go get some sun!

after a 4 mile run :)

Mae's unbirthday cake she requested. Lemon, lavender, rosemary, with lemon raspberry frosting

cat ear headband! Sara and I have matching ones :)

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

March San Fran Trip :)

I have had a pretty awful April, but I'm trying to make a conscious effort to force myself to be positive and get out of this slump. I've been in hiding for almost the whole month with anxiety attacks and just overwhelming sadness but I'm finally pushing forward. I've lost a couple friends this month and I've been wallowing in it. I'm ready for some happy times in the sun, gardening, camping, swimming, sun bathing, hiking, and fixing up and enjoying my new house. I've never had a spring or summer here since we moved in (practically) the fall.

At the end of March I went to San Francisco, California to visit my friend and old housemate Lauren. It was so many firsts for me! I've never been on a plane by myself, I've never been to the West Coast, I've never had sushi room service, and I've never had a canceled flight before this trip. It was so fun, and so busy. We fit so much into just a few days. I flew in on Thursday evening, and left Monday at 7am. I'm so glad I got to visit her adorable house and see the busy city and beautiful nature too.

I spent an hour writing the last of this and loading pictures and then it wouldn't save or upload. Now I'm annoyed so this is a super condensed brief description of the trip. Chinatown fun, dim sum, hotel room with leopard print robes and sushi room service, met another one of Lauren's friends for going to cool bars on Friday night. We walked 10-16 miles every day I was there. We went to the ocean, muir woods to see the redwood forest, and lots of pretty parks, site seeing, and shopping. It was an awesome and exhausting fast trip. I'm so glad I was able to do it. And now the pics...